SPECIAL OLYMPICS INVESTIGATED FOR USE OF PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING HUGS

WASHINGTON, DC—Three months after the Special Olympics World Winter Games in Nagano, Japan, the International Special Olympics Committee has begun to investigate charges that athletes used performance-enhancing hugs in their training and directly before competing in key events.Two tennis players accused of hug use."These people have no shame," ISOC chairman Bill Evans said Monday. "Right before a big game or race, many of them will take a dose of affection, sometimes from a coach, other times from a family member. Competing players have even been known to exchange hugs during the competition itself."Although insiders have long attested to widespread hug use among special athletes, the full scope of the problem was not understood until November 2004, when Carnegie Mellon's medical school published a study on hug use in the Clinical Journal Of Sport Medicine. According to the study, researchers found double-digit spikes in self-valuation, warm fuzziness, and smiles following even a single hug.Evans said he "took one look at the numbers" and agreed to an internal investigation and an across-the-board review of hug-use policies."Hug users have an unfair advantage over the hug-free, as they are pumped up with confidence," Evans said. "In competitions relying on endurance, hugs serve to artificially heighten an athlete's stamina. For example, hug users may be as much as 65 percent more likely to excel at no-contact floor hockey than those who say no to hugs. Put simply, it's unethical."Alpine skiing bronze medalist Lee Young-Suk, who has Down syndrome, appeared on a special edition of ABC's Primetime Live Tuesday and admitted to frequent use of performance-enhancing hugs.Four athletes who have had their medals seized by the ISOC."When my mommy [Jun Young-Suk] hugs me, it makes me feel like I'm the best and she loves me and I can win," Suk told Diane Sawyer. "I'm a winner!"The emotions Suk described—euphoria, omnipotence, overall well-being—have been found to last for as little as five minutes or as long as several hours, depending upon the number and type of embraces administered.Due to the short-burst effect of performance-enhancing hugs, testing for their presence is difficult."Currently, eyewitness sightings are the only reliable indicators of hug use," said ISOC regulator Peter Warner. "Unfortunately, hug use can occur anywhere—from the group home to the bleachers. We can't be in every team's van at all times."In the search for hug abusers, regulators have screened hundreds of hours of Special Olympics videotape, hoping to catch huggers in the act. They are also relying on testimony from hug users such as Suk."Lee Young-Suk really stood his ground at first, saying he did not want to tattle on his friends," Warner said of the hug user. "We couldn't get him to give us any names until we promised him a trip to Dairy Queen."Still, as Evans pointed out, hug use does not necessarily translate into better athletic performance. Over time, it may even serve as a hindrance."Ironically, many of the worst special athletes are the ones getting the most hugs," Evans said. "Once they get hooked, even if it isn't helping their game, these Olympians continue to crave the affection, accepting it as almost a consolation prize for their effort. Sometimes you see special athletes seeking hugs outside the realm of competition, just for the sake of hugging. This is where we get into really dangerous territory."

Al Gore Quotes in Honor of Global Warming

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child

"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, & water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, & that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

Hamburglar Sentenced to Death by Lethal Injection of Special Sauce

The Hamburglar will be put to death today, barring any final clemency from Mayor McCheese. The death sentence will be carried out in the form of a lethal injection of special sauce.
After years of appeals and two jailbreaks, the long-awaited sentence is scheduled to begin at 3:01 p.m. CT. While the public is torn over the degree of punishment handed down from McDonaldland Super-Sized Court, there are a few people who feel the death penalty is justified.
"It's high time that criminal is taken out of the public's misery, " said Mr. Grimace. "He has had opportunity after opportunity to reform. Now he is all out of chances."
Others feel that the sentence is far too extreme. Ronald McDonald is one McDonaldland citizen who is praying for a stay of execution.
"I say we give him one more chance," said McDonald. "I mean, they're just hamburgers. It's not like we don't have the Fish Fillet." McDonald's views are in the minority though.
Many citizens of McDonaldland are simply sick and tired of hoodlums being let off with simple slaps on the wrist. Some people have even called for a change in both government policy and personnel.
"I think that Sheriff Big Mac needs to be let go," said Ms. Birdie. "How many times did he let the Hamburglar escape when he wasn't looking?"
The Hamburglar himself was surprisingly calm for a death-row inmate. This has raised the question of the Hamburglar's sanity. Some people now wonder if he should be granted clemency based on a plea of insanity.
When asked to comment on his current situation, the Hamburglar simply replied "Robble,robble." It is expressions like these that have further exasperated criminal pundits and analysts.
“My health was suffering because of this bastard, I can’t count how many lunches I lost because of him.”-GrimisMcDonaldland citizen
The scheduled execution is a step in a new direction for the McDonaldland government. Speculations abound as to the next phase in this new system of justice.
"I hope they lock up those goddamn Fry guys next," said Grimace. "That is one band of thugs I am tired of seeing evade the justice system."

VH-1 "Spirituality Awards" Honors Coolest Religions and Hottest Stars

Andy Dick: Hiii! I'm Andy Dick. Welcome back to the VH1 Spirituality Awards, the only awards show to honor the hottest celebrities and the cooooolest religions. Omigod! Do you like my outfit? I borrowed it from a girl. Is that weird? What's wrong with me? Anyway, here to present the award for best spiritual event of the year are poet Maya Angelou and glam rocker Marilyn Manson!(Maya and Marilyn enter the stage)Maya Angelou: You know, Marilyn, I really enjoy your albums. They are more like poetry.Marilyn Manson: Yeah. Your poetry is a lot like greeting cards. The nominees for spiritual event of the year are: Kundun helping the starving in Nepal, a man donating a kidney to his nephew, Natalie Imbruglia, the Pope proposes Edith Stein for sainthood. Great. And the number one most spiritually meaningful event of the year is: Edith Stein proposes for sainthood. Accepting for the Lady Edith Stein is Alanis Morissette.(Alanis Morissette walks up to the stage, she is naked just like in her video "Thank U")Alanis Morissette: Edith would like me to thank the Pope, the Catholic Church, and all the celebrities here tonight. [singing to the tune of "Thank U"] How 'bout Edith, thank you, thank you... VH1.Andy Dick: I am sooooo attracted to Marilyn Manson. That's weird, isn't it? I should like girls. I like these girls! Okay, here to present the award for most spiritual young actor are Calista Flockheart and (gasps) JESUS!(Calista Flockheart and Jesus enter the stage)Jesus: (puts glasses on and arranges them) Well, Calista, you look really skinny. You should try my new low-fat fishes diet.Calista Flockheart: Thanks, Jesus. Maybe we should do lunch? I'll have my people call your people.Jesus: Better get started. I have billions of people.Calista Flockheart: Well, Jesus, it's been an amazing year for soulful young actors.Jesus: Being with Allah, Buddha, or even me, these young cats really know how to get their inner groove on.Calista Flockheart: The nominees for most spiritual young actor are... Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, David Arquette, Will Smith, and Chris Rock.Jesus: And the winner is... why am I even opening it? I'm all-knowing. The winner is Will Smith.(Will Smith walks on to the stage for his award)Will Smith: Hey, how you doing? Hey, man, nice seeing you, man. Wow! Whoo! Hey, I wanna thank my beautiful wife Jada! I love you, baby! Yeah! I wanna thank the supreme being, the master creator, the king of kings... Barry Sonnenfeld for casting me in "Men in Black," man, yeah! You the man, Barry! Whoo! Peace out, all right!Andy Dick: Ooh... Jesus and Calista Flockheart... ooh! He's a carpenter and she's like Karen Carpenter. Whatever. Am I gay? Okay, okay, okay. Here to present a very holy and meaningful award is the woman who's a goddess in her own right. Please welcome, former junkie stripper, Courtney Lovvvvve!(Courtney Love enters the stage)Courtney Love: Okay, I'm here to give out the first annual Mahatma Gandhi Award. This award is given to an individual who has dedicated her life to spiritual pursuits... y'know, like, without giving out her essential femininin - femininity... and, some kind of ononistic show of stoisism. What. YOU SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SH... SH... Okay. This year's Gandhi Award goes out to Madonna.(Madonna walks onto the stage for her award and is kissed by Courtney Love)Madonna: Um... thank you. If nothing else, Mahatma Gandhi was a man... who knew the importance of being spiritual. The incredible spiritual journey I have taken over the last ten weeks, I owe entirely to my teachings of the Kaballa. The Kaballa is a form of ancient Jewish mysticism that I learned in a night class in L.A. We are all rays of light, eminating from deity.(Courtney Love re-enters)Courtney Love: Remember, Madonna, like, eight years ago, when you were, like, totally into the Virgin Mary... whatever happened to that? That's weird.Madonna: The desire to be known and to create comes from deity, and what is so terribly tragic...Courtney Love: Wait, where is - w... why are you talking like that? Are you, like, from England or something? Are you from the London of England? Don't forget, you're from Detroit, Madonna Louise Ciconne! Detroit!Madonna: Is that one of the tendants of Buddhism: Courtney making fun of the way people talk?Courtney Love: Okay, first of all, I just have to say, the Kaballa is scoffed up from mainstream Judaism. The second of all, Michael Stipe thinks it's jackass.Madonna: Courtney, Courtney. The goal of Buddhism is to attain Nirvana, not break it up.Courtney Love: You SHUT UP! Shut up, you dyke! You shut up! (throws award out to the audience in anger)Andy Dick: (makes gay noises) Okay, we got to go to a commercial. But stick around, 'cause when we come back, we got performances by - (starts shaking his hands in a gay manner) Natalie Merchant and the Devil.

Are You Addicted to the Internet?

Are you compulsive in your use of the internet? Do you devote time to your online pursuits that would better be devoted to your family or career? Do you get up in the wee hours of the morning to check your email, or your favorite website?
If the answer to one or more of these questions is yes, you might be suffering from Internet Addiction Disorder.
This malady was first described by Ivan Goldberg, MD, of Columbia University. He characterized it as a "maladaptive pattern of internet use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress." (Source: Duchon)
Psychologist Kimberly S. Young likens internet addiction to pathological gambling addiction because it "involves failed impulse control without involving an intoxicant." Young studied 396 heavy internet users from a pool of volunteers who responded to an ad. Participants were selected if they reported four or more of the following:
Feel preoccupied with the internet (think about it while offline)
Feel a need to use the internet with increasing amounts of time in order to achieve satisfaction;
Have an inability to control your internet use;
Feel restless or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop Internet use;
Use the Internet as a way of escaping from problems or of relieving a poor mood (feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety or depression);
Lie to family members or friends to conceal the extent of involvement with the Internet;
Jeopardize or risk the loss of a significant relationship, job, educational or career opportunity because of the Internet;
Keep returning even after spending an excessive amount of money on on-line fees;
Go through withdrawal when offline (increased depression, anxiety);
Stay on-line longer than originally intended.
Young's study group was composed of 239 females and 157 males. Of her findings, she reported that her study participants "exhibited significant addictive behavior patterns. We also discovered that the use of the internet can definitely disrupt one's academic, social, financial and occupational life the same way other well-documented addictions like pathological gambling, eating disorder and alcoholism can."
She further reported that "the largest [group] of respondents who met this adapted criteria and were most likely to develop an addiction to the internet were middle aged females and those (both men and women) who were currently unemployed." (Source: APA)
Richard Davis, a doctoral candidate at York University has also investigated this syndrome. He writes:
"Some people are simply using the Internet too much. How can we explain these people who seem to spend so much time on the web, often to the point that it interferes with normal functioning? The answer lies in the fundamental nature of the Internet."
"When we mix communication with entertainment, we are left with a medium so incredibly interesting, that it captivates some people to the point of what I call 'Information masturbation.' There is so much out there on the Internet that allows us to have fun communicating with others, that we can always find a way to (metaphorically) stroke our collective intellects. In some cases, people will take this to the extreme, and lose themselves into their Internet world, to the detriment of their 'real' world offline, which invariably results in problems with daily life functioning."